Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.