wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess