wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.