Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Lmao 🤣
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
