Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
are there any atheist mantises?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”