WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Sell your car
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
This one’s “Alex”.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime