Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Not all heroes wear capes….

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*