Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.