Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches