Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.