Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
socratic questions
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
the last thing a carrot sees
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.