Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire