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@NicCageMatch

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”

@jakob_huber

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

@DoritosOverHoes

“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.

@BrandonEsWolf

Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?