My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.