Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…