Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

Mistakes were made

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?