Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Whoa 😂

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*