Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
You Might Also Like
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars