Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!