Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
…..pretty much.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror