Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.