WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Practicing safe sax
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄