Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.