Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?