Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves