Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

IT’S-A ME,

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.