Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12