Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

A man of commitment.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him