Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.