Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.