Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds