Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

X-tra spooky blend

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else