Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

<- sleeps well with others

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else