Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Fries, not lies.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.