Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

never compromise your values

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

Where is your GOD now????

That’s fair

Feels like the fourth month in January

hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!