Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I wanna be friends with this person

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]