Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Lmao

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.