Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
listen closely
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
i smell a pulitzer
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor