Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]