Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

don’t message me unless you have this energy