Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Damn he played himself
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.