Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Cow it started Cow it’s going

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

😲 WTF? 😆

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles