Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

😤😤

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.