Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun