Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.