Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.