Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night