Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.