@sofarrsogud

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

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@SortaBad

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

@CheryeDavis

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I’m telling him that he is making me late for work and he’s telling me that he is Batman.

@truegritrumble

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

@not_thenanny

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

@Browtweaten

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.