WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
LA today:
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
i’m still crying at this
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift