wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Best mom ever 😂
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark