Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Nice try, poison.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.