wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone