wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
channeling her this year
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts