wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*