Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.