Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG