Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Hitlers gonna hitl

why no one uses midhusbands

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so