*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
You Might Also Like
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me when I try to be useful
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice