Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Great game to play with friends

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.