*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.