Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Snack for election night!

Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Best mom ever 😂

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife