Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.