Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop

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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.


Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.


*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt


My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.


“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets


8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.


Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.


when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend


“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“Ok, suit yourself”