@ItsAndyRyan

Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop

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@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

@PieChord

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

@thechrisschmidt

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

@mommajessiec

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@nachosarah

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

@Where__wolf

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”