i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
You Might Also Like
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.