Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

This kinda thing happens to me often

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives