Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Howl 😭

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Pass gas, not judgment.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals