@kieransofar

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

@Hopihokte

landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.

It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”

@linkindrinkin

[first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that’s not what she meant

@MdUNH

I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”