What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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landlords be like “do you have a stable job” bro do you???
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker.
It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”
her: so, do you swing?
me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw
her husband: that’s not what she meant
I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”