wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Ghost costume 😂
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.