Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

Meowchelangelo

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”