Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was