Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

✌🏽

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Meow

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

i’m still crying at this

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream