Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I like donuts.

Twitter:

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Rooting for the overdog

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.