Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

HR said no more nunchucks.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

scared to check what name she chose

Glasses

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.