Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
